Some Cool Books for Melting Heat

Wherein I rate 6 books for your next beach trip

We need useful distractions. Is anyone else looking for ways to avoid reading the news?  Even the fluffy lifestyle pages are to-be-avoided these days, lest your corneas bleed from images of preposterously-dressed billionaires teetering into gondolas with the aid of grim-faced bodyguards.  

Plus, summer is here. After weeks of cold grey rain, it is now 185 degrees out. I hope you fine people have lazy vacations planned. Just like those grim-faced bodyguards helping Bill Gates in his fucking velvet pajamas get into his stupid gondola, I am here to help.

I’ve been doing lots of reading, so I’ll provide a list here. I’ve rated them with a meaningless and superficial rating system. Each book will be scored according to how great it could be as a beach read, and how “literary” it is. Since I don’t really know what “literary” means¹, I also am rating it on how much I enjoyed it overall.

I like the pushback on “beach reads,” by the way. A beach read is like a beach body. When your body is on the beach, it is a beach body. And when your book is in your beach bag, it is a beach read. It could be Dostoevsky, it could be Emily Henry. 

That said, I do think that there is a certain kind of book that lends itself well to sitting by the water with friends and loved ones. It’s a book that is patient as you are repeatedly interrupted to discuss dinner plans, find someone’s goggles, apply more sunscreen, or weigh in with your thoughts on the topic everyone else is talking about. You need a book that’s easy to dip in and out of, with sentences that don’t require deep focus. The Dosteovsky will not serve you in these moments. 

None of the books below were read in the dreamy circumstance I’ve just described, but I stand by my nonsensical rating system nonetheless.

The Antidote by Karen Russell

Beachworthiness: 7/10
Literary Merit: 10/10
Quality: 9/10

I kind of think this book is a masterpiece. The ambitiousness of her themes, the crazy feats of imagination she takes us on while somehow staying rooted in American historical fact, and the sentence-level beauty of the language. I loved this book. Russell’s talent for astounding originality and her wild use of magic realism are on full display here. It’s based on true events in 1930s Nebraska, where they had killer dust storms then devastating flooding rains all within the span of a few months, but it injects the history with some seriously out-there bits. Prairie witches, for instance. Tell these women the story that haunts your dreams and poof! It’s out of your mind. They store it for you until you’re ready to retrieve it with the claim ticket you’re given when you “drop” it off. (I think Russell has seen “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”) The story centers around a town called Uz, a particular prairie witch, a New Deal photographer, and an orphaned girl being raised by her uncle. It’s also about America, about the cost of pushing the truth under the floorboards and the inevitable reckoning. I don't believe in original sin for people, but the concept makes sense for the U.S.A. After all, the genocide of the native population and the slave trade are both fundamental to the founding and flourishing of this nation. We don’t have any prairie witches to take away our troubling memories, but maybe that’s what streaming devices and social media are for.

I could say more about this book, but just go read it. I rate it somewhat low on the beach read-ometer because there’s so much going on here and it might not do well for frequent interruptions to get a refill of your Rosé. If, however, you’re sitting poolside solo somewhere, and you want to let others know you’re a serious reader of the coolest new novels, this one's for you.

Lies & Weddings by Kevin Kwan

Beachworthiness: 10/10
Literary Merit: 5/10
Quality: 6/10

This indulgent piece of fluff is ideal for long flights and sunny beaches. It’s not deep, the characters are not multi-dimensional reflections of the human experience, the story is not relatable or plausible. But I had such a great time reading it and it completely held my interest. I think his plot had some nice twists and turns, and his satire of the super rich was wonderfully satisfying. Just like with his hit Crazy Rich Asians, Kwan makes entertaining and informative use of footnotes to sprinkle in references to real artists, places, and aspects of the lives of the ultra-rich. So I even convinced myself this was educational. (I never heard of Dominique de Menil, for instance.) The gods of publishing have kindly released it in paperback already, so it’s perfect for your weekend carry-on.

The Vegetarian by Han Kang

Beachworthiness: 3/10
Literary Merit: 12/10
Quality: 4/10

At least this book is short. If you like dark and weird, this one’s for you. Did you like the movie “Eraserhead”? Then rush to the bookstore for The Vegetarian. It’s nearly a parable–I never really felt much for anyone in the story (aside from disgust, especially at the magnitude of asshole-ishness from most of the male characters). This is by a Nobel-prize winning author, and it won the Booker Award so it’s obviously a good book. But oof. It’s a sad story about a woman raised by a shitty violent dad, married to a cold selfish husband, and sort of stalked and exploited by her weird brother-in-law. And, yea, she doesn’t eat meat.

I Regret Almost Everything by Keith McNally

Beachworthiness: 10/10
Literary Merit: 6/10
Quality: 8/10

I have McNally to thank for some of my greatest, most New Yorkiest nights in NYC. He’s the genius behind Pastis, Schiller’s Liquor Bar, Balthazar, Odeon, and more. This is his memoir of his seemingly charmed life at the nexus of New York style and success. It’s also his memoir of endurance after the debilitating consequences of a massive stroke. So come for the celeb gossip and tips on how to design a great restaurant (hint: small tables), stay for the honest altogether human story of a man coming to terms with the flaming piles of shit life can throw at you. 

His honesty elevates the book from the dishy tell-all I’d signed on for. He’s insanely opinionated and bizarrely candid–the two ingredients for a good memoir. (And a good Instagram feed if you’d rather skip the book entirely.) He is still worshipful of his first wife, but I think she left him because he was a selfish self-absorbed husband. His second wife might’ve been a better match in that regard, and thus leaves him when the going gets rough. He’s a devoted father but never even visited his teenage daughter one time when she was hospitalized with a major depression. He ends up spending time in the same institution years later after a failed suicide attempt–the incident that opens the story. If you’re Gen X and have been to NYC in the past 25 years, I think you’ll like this book.

The Doorman by Chris Pavone

Beachworthiness: 12/10
Literary Merit: 7/10
Quality: 9/10

I love a big satire with heart. I love a New York story. I love a plot-driven novel with great characters. Basically, I’m this book’s target market, and I agree with reviewers who say this is a 21st Century Bonfire of the Vanities. Multiple strata of New York City’s economic mosaic are represented. The eponymous doorman works at The Bohemia (think The Dakota) and it’s filled with ultra-wealthy Manhattanites and wealthy Manhattanites who feel like they are barely getting by because they live downstairs from billionaires. Most of the action takes place during what amounts to a powder keg of a night with Proud Boy types prowling the streets and self-righteous Black Lives Matter types marching in high dudgeon. I was impressed by the way Pavone describes the rightward shift of characters who were lifelong dems. I’ve never seen an account–fiction or true–that so sympathetically captures why people felt the Democratic party no longer was for them. I’m not saying I agree with these characters now, but I understand them better thanks to this book. Pavone has packed this novel with topical commentary, and has lots of enjoyable digressions to paint New York scenes. He is also a bestselling thriller writer, so the plot is tight and he he nails the ending. Chef’s kiss.

Tunnel 29 by Helena Merriman

Beachworthiness: 9/10
Literary merit: 6/10
Quality: 9/10

At 3 am, I’m usually wide awake. To distract my mind from my mind, I sometimes do what I’m not supposed to do—I go on my phone. That's how I stumbled onto this fantastic nonfiction book that reads like a thriller. I found it through  the NYT’s 100 best books of the 21st Century list, but not the straight 100. I went to the top 10s of various authors. [I recommend this rabbit hole, and now you can do the same for the 100 best moves of the 21st Century too.] Tunnel 29 was first a podcast, and apparently the book provides more historical context about a few incredibly brave people who dug a hole under the Berlin Wall to help East Berliners escape. In the telling, we also get a great subplot about some prescient TV news producers, and incredible details that diagram all the diabolically twisted ways the Stasi kept East Germany clamped down tight. This is a remarkable tale to remind us all that we can fight the power. 

Ok, this has become quite long so I’ll stop. More to come, I promise. Thanks for reading, and happy summer vacation to all who celebrate.

1. I kind of think that literary means it’s a book the critics take seriously; it’s a book you’ll look sophisticated mentioning when someone asks what you’re reading; it’s aiming for more than just units sold.